Struggling to come up with an online dating first message that will get a response? Turns out, most men dread writing that first message, so you’re not alone.
It’s a challenge for everyone. Women loathe it on Bumble and send the generic “Hey” just to get it out of the way, hoping men will come up with something interesting to say. Whereas men just hate writing the first message in general, as it requires a fair amount of thought to write a detailed message for each match, most of which are never answered.
Ahhh dating apps, love to hate them, hate that we need them.
Now, before you log off your profiles and move to the countryside to become a nun/monk/whatever, try your hand at some of these cut-and-pasteable messages that are more likely to get a response (and maybe, your perfect match 😉).
But first, two quick messaging tips
Use their name.
“Do you really like horses?” and “Hey Gabby, do you really like horses?” come across differently. Although it sounds like the same message, using names makes you more likely to get a response.
Research shows that people really like hearing (or reading) their names. A general rule of thumb for an initial message for online dating is that if you can organically and naturally work their name in, you should. It also feels way more personal and less copy-and-paste.
Ask a question.
If your online dating first message asks a fun or thought-provoking question, you’re much more likely to get a response from your match. This will pull your match out of autopilot swiping mode and switch their attention to you.
Here’s an easy one: “Your profile says you love [specific interest from their profile]. What’s the best [experience related to that interest] you’ve had?” Boom!
Online Dating First Message #1: “Which of your photos is your favorite—and why?“
This question invites your match to share more about themselves and their interests right off the bat. Plus, it’s not a commonly asked question, so it won’t be easily glazed over.
If you ask a simple question that someone would ask within the first 5 minutes of getting to know someone, they’ve been asked it a million times, and you’re going into their roster as “Snorefest.” You don’t want to be this person.
Online Dating First Message #2: “What’s the last ___ you ____ed?”
It’s deceivingly simple to ask the last thing your match did as your first message in your online dating, but it’s a super effective strategy. This is the kind of question a friend would ask, so you start things off on a personal note without coming across as too nosy.
The “last thing” could be anything — the last book they read, last podcast they listened to, last cool restaurant they went to … the list is endless and easy to tailor to an interest they mention in their bio.
Online Dating First Message #3: “Who’s someone you’d like to have dinner with?”
Asking your potential match who inspires them is an excellent way to get to know someone. Just be ready for them to turn around and ask who you’d want to have dinner with too!
Online Dating First Message #4: Keep it natural, but elaborate a bit.
One of the best ways to make a connection is to be authentic to yourself. Sometimes the best openers are spur-of-the-moment and straightforward:
- “Hey Daniel, I just got home, and my dog is looking at me like I stole the Declaration of Independence. Any idea what I should tell him to get him to stop judging me?”
- “Hi Ashley! What did you get up to today? I’m thinking of ordering delivery– do you have a go-to place I should try?”
- “If the aliens were to come, would you want to stay here, or are you down to go check out their home base? LMK and I’ll pack my bags.”
Online Dating First Message #5: Play pretend.
Dating apps feel so routine, so don’t be scared to go outside of the box and make it fun. One lighthearted and immediately engaging opener is to pretend to fight like a married couple. It also works because you’ll get a quick answer to whether there’s banter there.
Here’s some fun examples:
- “Hi Aliana, I just got home, and I see a window is open. Did you climb into my flat and steal my limited edition Pokémon card when I was at work? Be honest.”
- “Imagine this. We just bought our first house together. It’s time to get a dog, what breed and what are we naming it?”
- “Okay, pretend we’re arguing over IKEA furniture assembly. What’s your go-to insult that’s still technically polite?”
Online Dating First Message #6: Make it a fun game.
“Tell me your go-to coffee order, and I’ll guess your personality.”
This opener is epic because you can switch out “coffee order” for anything: a vacation spot, a dog’s name, a favorite color, and then the rest is up to you. If you’re wrong, it’s funny. If you’re right, then you’ve got a lot to talk about (since you’re obviously a secret psychic.)
Online Dating First Message #7: Be random.
Like we’ve regurgitated a ton of times… normal intros are boring because they’re overused. It’s like throwing a ping pong ball towards an empty table. At least give the other player some room to play back.
Here are some openers that are weird, but relevant, and can get responses (or at least attention):
- “Hey Benito, how many squirrels do you think you could fight at one time?”
- “Hi Kim, what do you think the vibe was when people invented wigs? Like, how do you think this happened?”
- “You get one animal sidekick for the rest of your life. What are you choosing and why is it not a raccoon in a hoodie?”
- “When you apply for jobs and attach your resume, but then they ask you to manually fill out the job section back to 10 years prior, do you continue or quit the application?”
- “What is a food you haven’t tried, but you really want to?”
Here’s the Main Takeaway:
Use dating apps to browse options.
Use openers to check the vibe.
Use dates to build something real.
Your opener doesn’t have to be a Pulitzer-worthy line, but it does need to feel like it was written by a person. A little personality goes a long way (we’re looking at you empty bio people! 👀 )
If you’re not getting responses, it’s probably not your message—it’s your photos. That tiny circle next to your text is either helping you or tanking you.
If your photo says “meh,” even the best opener will fall flat.
If your photo says “cool,” even a basic “hey” can spark interest.
Photofeeler shows you which of your photos make you look Smart, Trustworthy, and Attractive– and which ones don’t.
Because no matter what you say, your photo speaks first.
