If you’ve ever wished that dating apps had a review section where you can get the real 411 on your next date, you’re in luck (kinda).

After a roulette of bad dates, one woman took action, creating a Facebook group titled “Are we dating the same guy? NYC.” This created an unstoppable ripple effect, resulting in groups popping up worldwide for both women and men. As of today, there are over 120 groups, most with over 50k+ members.

Turns out, some people aren’t acting their best selves on the apps (or in person), but have these groups really been helpful? Or have they created an endless stream of disappointment, with comments upon comments stating, “DM me sis, I have tea on Jared.” (Don’t worry Jared, we made up this name.)

Let’s dive into the saucy details with an insider’s look at the infamous “Are we dating the same guy/girl?” Facebook groups.

Before “Are we dating the same guy? NYC”

(Billboard in Brooklyn, New York City, referring to viral West Elm Caleb)

The first-ever “Are we dating the same guy” Facebook group was started by a woman in NYC after videos went viral on TikTok of a serial dater and sexual harasser known as “West Elm Caleb.” Caleb was notorious for ghosting, trying to push sexual boundaries, and acting out of pocket. But since NYC is massive, the news didn’t travel far, so he usually got away with it… until TikTok detectives got on the case.

Initially created for women’s safety, the group has definitely combated or mitigated its fair share of crime scenes (not even kidding, there have been many registered domestic abusers or s*x offenders lurking on dating apps). And, as a member of the group, I’d vouch that that’s still the underlying intent. As a matter of fact, the admins of these Facebook groups don’t live in the city that they monitor because of prior serious threats to their safety.

After men got wind of the women starting their own “Talk about men” group, they also started their own Facebook groups, “Are we dating the same girl/women *insert location here*,” and fair enough. From a male group member’s perspective, the men’s groups focus more on catching cheaters than safety, which is still a valid concern.

For lack of a better response, the groups sort of feel like this meme:

Unfortunately, there is a bit of a vendetta between the genders. Women don’t feel very secure meeting men from dating apps in person (Hence why our users can test their dating photos for the “Trustworthy” dating trait). Men, on the other hand, don’t like their names being dragged through the mud for simple miscommunications.

An average day in the “Are we dating the same guy?” Facebook Group

(Photos and names changed for security purposes- not the original OP and subject matter.)

• “Going on a date with [insert man’s name Tinder profile here], any tea? >> Proceeds to get loads of stories in comments.
• “Beware of my ex *insert man’s name and photo* because XYZ” (But like 70% of the time with exes, it’s a legit reason).
• “I’ve been ghosted; any advice?”
• “My boyfriend of 10 months has been texting another girl behind my back, *screenshots in comments*. What should I do?”

A normal day in the “Are we dating the same woman?” Facebook Group

(Photos and names changed for security purposes- not the original OP and subject matter.)

• “This is my girlfriend of 2+ years *inserts photo of girlfriend*, and I recently found texts in her phone with the contact name “Carly,” who is clearly not Carly. Does anyone here recognize her?”
• “Went on a date with *insert woman’s name* on Thursday; everything went well, but something feels off. Have any of you met up with her? Is she sleeping around, etc.?”
• “*Posts photo* I’m feeling optimistic after my date with Linda, any tea?”
• “Betsy here is an alcoholic. She stole my kidneys.” (Okay, this one’s not real, but you get the gist.)

Does your dating location really matter?

We couldn’t write this article without mentioning an overall observation that some dating locations are way more hectic than others. The “Are we dating the same guy NYC” group is littered with stories you’d expect from Dateline NBC, but not a casual Wednesday evening fling. Compared to the Midwest group, for example, NYC singles have it rough. This begs the question: Does bigger cities mean bigger red flags?

Sure, there’s someone out there for everyone, but maybe, just maybe, your problem is your area code. *cough cough* New Yorkers– our hearts go out to you.

People assume bigger cities equal a larger population and a decreased chance of mistreatment spreading to the masses. But, thanks to these Facebook groups, singles have a better way to background check their dates before they get too invested– in small and big cities!

A survival guide for such Facebook groups

At the end of the day, it’s both a blessing and a curse that these Facebook groups exist. In the past, we’d have to sit through a dreadful dinner date while Jonas talked about crypto, and you ponder to yourself if you’re face to face with the next Tinder Swindler. Or, you meet up with a classy lady from Bumble, only to find out she’s in an open relationship with Elon Musk and plans to name her future child C-3PO.

So, let’s be a little thankful, shall we?

When scrolling the groups, take everything, always, with a grain of salt, and keep some of these facts in mind.

#1. Everyone has red flags.

It’s important to know your red flags as well as your boundaries/expectations. There’s no toxicity police to call the shots. It’s up to you to dictate what you’re willing to accept. But just because David ghosted Melanie two years ago doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to ghost you.

Many dating coaches say the normal person has between 3-5 (let’s call them pink) flags. This could be something small like being bad at time management, a slight addiction to social media, having their phone in hand too often, or something that’s generally nagging at you.

One good way to look at dating is Daniel Sloss’ jigsaw analogy, “You want this perfect person, who you’ve never met before, to come out of nowhere, fit your life perfectly, complete you, and make you whole for the first time in your life. But some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece, and just f***ing jam them into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly don’t fit.”

#2. Not everyone plays well with others.

Hear us out here…

Certain people can trigger you much easier than others without even trying. That’s not really a them or a you problem; you’re just incompatible.

Too often, we see two singles that don’t line up characteristically, but we could see each single being a decent match for someone else. One example of this was a woman complaining about the man she was seeing not wanting to hook up after five dates. Red flag? Maybe for her, but not for everyone. Some ladies may actually be 2x more attracted to him for such choices. The cheat code to dating is finding someone whose quirks are compatible with yours.

#3. Expectations can lead to disappointment.

Just because all is going well with Mrs./Mr. Right doesn’t mean you will end up together and live happily ever after. Dating, in its entirety, is a test. Like Beyonce once said, “If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.”

Try your best to go into every new experience with open arms, unattached from the end goal. Take things for what they are, not what you’d like them to be. Along the way, check in with yourself and ask how this person’s communication is making you feel. Are you getting what you need? It’s not all about them; your feelings matter.

Sometimes feelings aren’t mutual, and that’s okay.

It’s about respect, letting people know where you’re at so they can move on. It’s a matter of being selfless and human enough to bite the bullet and say it’s not working out.

#4. Everyone has a past.

Everyone’s dated, everyone’s had feelings, and everyone’s felt sadness. Don’t walk into a new date thinking you’re about to take Mr. Clean’s virginity because it’s just not realistic. Meet people where they’re at, make your choices, and set your boundaries.

#5. When it comes to infidelity…

Now, if you think for a minute that your partner is cheating on you, start at the source.

Ask yourself, “Do I really want to be with this person if I can’t trust them?”

Probably not, right?

Also, once you post, there’s no going back. Everyone will know your business and that you don’t fully trust your partner. So, if you’re not sure about it, have the conversation first before you publicize your relationship troubles like a real-life episode of Jerry Springer.

One last thing

Before we part ways, we’d like to extend an invitation for you to check out the groups for yourself to see if they add or subtract value from your dating experience.

Sure, there’s some toxicity there, but there are a few happy success stories too! Just today, we saw a post in the women’s group congratulating a lady on a positive, healthy, new relationship– no tea to be shared!

Use the groups for their intended purpose: mitigation over integration. Set your boundaries early, know what you stand for and against, and trust your gut.

Here’s your final test: How would you swipe on this profile?

When in doubt, a cheeky search on “Are we dating the same guy/woman?” will also do the trick. 😛

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