Spoiler: it’s not all about your first message.
Dating apps aren’t meant for long, endless conversations; they’re for a handful of short exchanges that build just enough momentum to meet IRL. But until that in-person date happens, you’ve gotta put in the effort to keep sparks flying.
Without tone or body language like IRL convos, every message carries extra weight– that’s why the convo dies on “hey.” You need context, curiosity, and a nudge toward next steps so the chat doesn’t stall out or feel robotic.
Here’s the plan: we’ll address the awkward parts, help you craft the perfect opener, discuss the match-to-IRL timeline, and provide some effective cut-and-paste messages that can turn around the most boring conversations. Let’s dissect it.
Why does chatting on an app feel so meh? (+ what to do about it)
In person, silence is a breath, a pause between topics, a bite of food, a drink. On apps, silence is a cliff-hanger. The best way to dodge silence is to avoid it by giving more than one-word replies and always adding a tiny hook forward. (Think ping-pong, not paragraph.)
Read your message/reply before pressing send, and if you can’t find an easy (the keyword here) way to reply, add a question.
How to not get a response:
“Brie is my favorite cheese because it usually always is paired with wine. 😂 wbu?”
“Cheddar”
Yeah that response pretty much feels like this:
How to make that respond-able with the same amount of time/effort:
“Brie is my favorite cheese because it usually always is paired with wine. 😂 wbu?”
“Cheddar, of course, because how can you compete with queso dip. Know a good spot for that in town?”
And bam– just like that, you’ve got a date for queso, and you weren’t even that cheesy.
Remember: People can be interested but respond slowly. People can also just not respond, even with a 10/10 response. People could respond quickly, but never set an in-person date. Everyone’s different. Your only job in all of this is to keep the ping pong ball bouncing back to their court.
It’s not all about the first message
We tested this: our copywriter (also a dating coach) ran a male profile. Even with tailored openers, only two out of five matches replied. So it’s not just you. The opener matters, but the follow-ups determine if it becomes a real-life plan.
Lead with a specific hook or question like:
- “That book stack is dangerous. Which one actually lived up to the hype?”
- “Your ramen pic looks legit. Team tonkotsu or miso—and where’s your go-to spot?”
- “Is that the red-rock trail in Zion? What’s the best view you’ve hiked to?”
Then let them answer, contribute your thoughts, and build on what comes next.
The power of “What about you?”
Never underestimate the power of “What about you?” It’s the easiest way to keep the conversation going without having to think of a new question. Plus, if people ask you about a topic, they’re likely interested in sharing about it too!
How to turn a boring convo around
If they say this… try this instead:
- “Hey.” → “Hey there! What is going onnnn in that second photo?”
- “How are you?” → “Currently losing a battle with my sourdough starter. What are you accidentally becoming an expert in?”
- “What’s up?” → “Debating: sunrise run vs. guilt-free sleep-in this Saturday. Cast your vote?”
- “LOL” / one-word reply. → “Okay, speed round: pick one—tacos or ramen? Winner gets planned this week.”
- “What do you do?” → “Data by day, amateur pizza critic by night. What’s your off-duty superpower?”
- They go quiet after a couple of messages. → “This was fun—want to switch to a quick coffee at [neutral spot] this week?”
If you’ve tried any of these turnarounds and talking to them still feels like this:
Cut your losses. Some people aren’t worth your effort, even if they seem like a good match. If they’re not willing to contribute a microcent, it’s time to move on.
Now that you’ve nailed the structure, let’s talk about adding some spark, because great convos aren’t just about what you say, but how you say it.
Livening up your convos
You don’t need to be a comedian or poet, but be present. A little personality goes a long way. Share micro-stories (“I once tried making sushi and it turned into a fish burrito soup thing”) or light observations (“Everyone on this app seems to love hiking, but no one has mud on their shoes”).
Keep things light, specific, and just a touch unpredictable. People remember what felt good to reply to, not what was grammatically perfect. While we’re at it, let’s talk about the secret sauce of online tone: emojis and GIFs.
Using Emojis & GIFs
Emojis and GIFs are tone insurance. Without facial expressions or voice, they fill in emotional context, which is why “haha 😅” feels warmer than “haha.”
Used right, emojis make you seem expressive and confident. Used too much, they can feel like overkill. Here’s the sweet spot:
Using one emoji:
Using two emojis:
Using three or more emojis:
As you can see, there’s nothing that an Office GIF can’t spice up. But do stick to using GIFs as reactions, not as openers.
When used sparingly, emojis and GIFs make your messages feel more like you, and that’s what keeps things human in a chat full of small talk.
How long should I message before setting up an IRL date?
Although it may seem fast, dating apps really do work best if you treat them like fresh fries… eat ’em while they’re hot, not after they’re soggy. That means:
On day 0–1: Match and send an opener tied to their profile.
On day 1–2: Try to volley the convo back and forth in a flirty fashion that doesn’t feel like you’re interviewing them. There’s a big chemistry difference in asking them about their job versus if they’ve ever been to a capybara cafe, or playing on something fun from their bio or profile.
On day 2–4: Suggest a low-pressure meet (coffee/dinner/an outing). Most dating experts advise meeting up within a week to avoid fizzling out.
Disclaimer: One thing people often forget is that your main profile picture is you. Your matches are interacting with the “honey-I-shrunk-the-audience” little image of you when they decide to message back:
So never doubt the importance of well-vetted, Photofeeler-approved, human-loved profile pics. Your photos can 2-3x your matches and messages. Test a pic for free now!
Final Takeaways
Short, specific, easy-to-answer messages win. Hook something from their profile, add a tiny take, toss in a “what about you?”, then nudge it IRL within a few messages. If it stays one-sided, bow out and protect your energy. And remember: your photos do half the talking. Upgrade those first impressions and you’ll see more (and better) replies—test a pic on Photofeeler now and let the data do its thing.