Online dating promised to make dating easier. But for many people, it’s just made them tired; tired of ghosting, judgment, and feeling like they’re losing faith in the opposite sex.
Scroll through any dating forum and you’ll find posts like, “At this rate, we will end up all hating each other.” Men feel that “it’s a strain to get a match and then after that it’s a race to get and maintain a match’s attention in the first interaction. And that just increases the anxiety of an initial interaction to crazy proportions.” Women find that “most of those very few people who do end up messaging [them] just want to chat, mostly about sex. But they cannot be bothered to shower and leave the house – even if IRL sex is on the table.”
How did we get here?
We delved into firsthand stories, research, and behavioral trends to gain a deeper understanding of where that frustration originates and what men and women truly wish the other side knew. Hopefully, by understanding each side’s experience, we can ease the tensions.
Where Things Go Sideways
Dating apps today are flooded. Swiping is easy, messaging is “easy,” but connections are not happening. This quick accessibility has significantly changed the dynamics of dating. Instead of working towards something, anything at all, it’s much easier to swipe right again.
But here’s the thing:
- Most men receive very few matches, even fewer responses, and are often ignored, even when they put in genuine effort.
- Most women get flooded with messages, many of them low-effort, creepy, or rude, and are forced to filter constantly.
This mismatch leads to resentment on both sides. Here’s a closer look.
For Men: It feels like a numbers game that you can’t win.
The stats speak for themselves:
- Men make up 75% of dating app users.
- Most men swipe right far more than women and match less.
- Average male match rate: around 0.6%.
- Women like fewer than 5% of the men they see.
That means a lot of effort with little reward. Ghosting, one-word replies, and being invisible become the norm. The most common feeling is burnout.
“It’s a numbers game at this point,” one male user writes, noting that he must swipe and message dozens of women just to get a single date. Another adds, “I have a good job and I’m told I’m a decent-looking guy, but online it’s like I barely exist.”
The simple truth is that most men’s messages go unanswered, not because women are ignoring them, but because their inboxes are overwhelmed with competition.
Most of women’s interactions on dating apps originate from a small percentage of male users. This imbalance can erode men’s confidence and lead to resentment, even though it’s fierce competition that’s really to blame.
For Women: It feels like drowning in a sea of attention and harassment.
The dating app statistics look significantly different for female users:
- Women receive 9x more messages than men on average.
- 56% of women say they received unwanted sexually explicit messages or images.
- Many women quit apps due to harassment or safety concerns.
For women, quantity does not equal quality. Many of those incoming messages are one-word openers (“hey”), copy-pasted pickup lines, or even explicit and creepy comments. It only takes a few unsolicited lewd photos or threatening messages for a woman to become jaded.
Many women also report being insulted or threatened if they don’t respond to a man’s advances. As one therapist put it, “Women who want to date men often have to deal with an ocean of inbound requests and online harassment, while men face serious competition”. The constant barrage of rude or objectifying behavior understandably makes women more selective and cautious about whom they engage with.
These negative experiences build distrust and make women fear for their personal safety.” When women vent about ‘men on dating apps,’ it’s often this pattern of behavior they’re frustrated with, not a hatred of men in general. They wish the good guys would stand out, but sadly, the bad apples tend to be the loudest.
What Men Wish Women Knew
1. Matches are rare. One conversation might be the only one he’s had all week. You may believe your voice must be drowned out in the sea of women he must be talking to, but it’s more likely he’s been talking to brick walls for days before you respond.
One analysis found that the median straight man on Tinder receives only one match for every 140 swipes.
2. Men actually want to talk. When messaging, remember to take turns. Ask questions. If he asks you something that you’re interested in, say more! Hypothetically, you both are there to learn about each other, and many men want just as much conversational fuel from you as you want from them. Do your best to match the vibe.
3. Most of them aren’t players. Many guys are genuinely looking for something real. Although online dating requires a level of self-protection, it also begs a certain amount of vulnerability and compassion. A guy might feel he has to overprove himself if he senses you distrust him off the bat. Men wish women recognized that they have fears too: many men worry about being judged solely on height, income, or being used for free dinners, etc.
4. Rejection does hurt. There’s this unspoken contradiction in dating: men are told not to be cold or game-playing, but when they show genuine feelings, they’re mocked for being too emotional or needy. The truth is simple: men are human beings, and rejection stings for everyone.
Think about it: if you didn’t get a job you really wanted, you’d feel it, right? Now multiply that by how personal dating is: your looks, your personality, your vulnerability, all on display. Of course it’s going to hurt. Of course, there will be feelings involved.
5. One woman’s yuck is another woman’s yum. One of the hardest parts of dating for men is navigating the invisible playbook, because every woman has a different one. What one person calls “romantic,” another might call “too much.” A message that lands perfectly with one match could get you unmatched with another.
Most guys aren’t trying to get it wrong; they’re just guessing. If something rubs you the wrong way, let them know why. If something worked, tell them that too.
What Women Wish Men Knew
1. They’re overwhelmed. Receiving an overwhelming amount of low-quality attention isn’t as enjoyable as it sounds; quality matters more than quantity. Standing out in a woman’s inbox is tough, not just due to competition but because she’s guarding herself from burnout. A thoughtful, personal opener has a much better shot than a lazy “hey, beautiful.”
They want something real to reply to. Whether it’s humor, a comment from our profile, or a random but engaging question, put in the effort to start a genuine conversation.
Before you ever send a message, women have already built a mental storyline about you based on your photos, bio, and overall vibe. Your first message either confirms that story or shatters it. If you looked like a nice guy but led with “U up?”, you’ve just killed the spark.
2. Their caution (or even cynicism) comes from real experiences, not because they enjoy rejecting people. Bad experiences make them cautious, which can come across as cold. By the time a woman reaches her mid-20s, if she’s been on dating apps a while, she’s likely accumulated some upsetting encounters: the guy who went on a cruel tirade when she declined a second date, the “nice match” who pressured her for nudes, the seemingly sweet guy who turned out to have a wife, or simply dozens of instances of being ghosted after she got her hopes up. These add up. So if they seem guarded or insist on public meetups, it’s because they’ve learned from experience. Give her some time to understand you’re a good one.
3. Effort matters. Profiles with clear, inviting, well-lit photos and a real bio stand out. It’s not about being a male model or millionaire; it’s about showing genuine intent and personality so they have a reason to respond.
4. Graceful goodbyes win you respect (and sometimes new opportunities). When a guy handles rejection with calm and respect, it stands out. It makes women feel safe, heard, and valued, and that kind of response leaves a lasting impression. In fact, some women have even recommended those men to friends, leading to unexpected connections and second chances.
On the flip side, when women don’t respond or quietly unmatch, it’s often not meant to be rude. For many, it feels like the safest way to move on. Even a polite “no thanks” can sometimes be met with hostility, insults, or worse. That’s the reality many women are navigating.
It’s okay to feel disappointed. Rejection sucks. But flipping the script and lashing out only deepens the divide. Be frustrated, just don’t make someone else the target of that frustration. Take a breath, scream into the void if needed, but try to exit with grace. It says more about you than you think.
So, Can the Dating App Divide Be Mended?
The world of swipes and likes might feel like a battlefield of the sexes at times, but it doesn’t have to be. Both men and women are equally capable of feeling hurt, becoming fed up, or growing jaded with online dating. Rather than letting resentment fester, we can take steps to make the experience more positive for everyone:
- Remember the “goldfish” rule: One piece of advice often shared in forums is to “have the memory of a goldfish.” In other words, try not to dwell on each rejection or ghosting for too long – forget and move on. With the high rejection rate inherent to dating apps, resilience is key. Don’t carry anger at one person into your next interaction; that new match doesn’t deserve baggage from the last.
- Take breaks. If you notice yourself feeling bitter or burned out, it’s perfectly okay to step away for a while. Both men and women benefit from breaks. Many have found that deleting the apps for a month or two can reset their mindset. Use that time to focus on hobbies, friends, or meeting people organically. You might return with a fresher perspective and less frustration.
- Balance apps with IRL opportunities. As convenient as apps are, they’re not the only way to meet people. In fact, surveys show younger adults are increasingly interested in dating people they already know (friends-of-friends, coworkers, etc.). Say yes to that party invite, join a class, or try a co-ed sports league because face-to-face interactions can sometimes circumvent the superficial biases of apps. A spark in person might form where swiping left would have killed the chance.
- Always put your best foot (profile) forward. It sounds basic, but both men and women can reduce mutual frustration by putting more care into how they present themselves online. Clear photos, a bio that reflects your personality and intentions, and courteous messaging set the tone for respect.
Final Truth: Effort Matters
It’s tempting to stay in “low-effort mode” when you’re on your phone, swiping in line at the grocery store or half-watching Netflix. But think about how dating works in person: you’d still put thought into how you present yourself, you still need a good opener, and you can still get rejected to your face. Just because swiping is easy doesn’t mean getting a date is easier than in real life. If you bring the same energy, attention, and respect to your dating app profile that you would to meeting someone in person, you’ll stand out instantly. Spending one hour improving your profile can save you ten hours of dead-end chats.
P.S. Want to know how you’re actually coming across? Are your photos inviting, confident, or falling flat? Test them at Photofeeler.com. It’s free, and it might just help your next match feel a little more human. ❤️
P.S.S. Have thoughts you’d like to share? Email jessica@photofeeler.com with your comments.
