We hear it all the time:
“Just be yourself.”
“Keep it real.”
“Don’t look like too try-hard.”
But what does “real” even mean on dating apps? Is it the blurry concert pic from your camera roll? The unflattering selfie you took in bad lighting because it “feels honest”? Or is it showing up confidently, like you would on a first date you’re actually excited about?
Let’s talk about how to be real without sabotaging your profile.
Low-effort ≠ authentic
There’s a myth that “bad” photos are somehow more honest. But realness doesn’t mean low effort.
Authenticity isn’t about uploading the worst angle of your face to prove you’re not vain. It’s about representing who you are clearly and intentionally. If someone can’t see your face, doesn’t know which person you are in the photo, or needs context to understand what’s going on, that’s not authenticity. That’s confusion.
A great dating photo should:
- Show your face clearly
- Capture your everyday energy or style
- Make someone want to learn more about you!
Blurry, distant, or chaotic photos don’t say “real”; they say “I didn’t care enough to show up.” For example, how are you supposed to start a conversation on this photo:
You see what we mean?
Channel your inner onion.
Be an onion. Layer your crazy.
Don’t show all the layers at once. Break it down and give them some mystery about what comes next.
Yes, you want to show personality. But there’s a difference between being fun and being too much upfront. Think of your dating profile as a movie trailer. You don’t drop the plot twist in the first 10 seconds; you give just enough to hook someone in.
Want to show your wild side? Great. Don’t lead with the photo of you passed out in a floaty or a Halloween costume from 2017. Give them the outer layer first. The version of you that’s confident, interesting, and knows how to tell a good story. The chaos can come later in person (preferably after a few dates, once there’s a stronger connection).
Think of it like this: You’ve been dating for a year, go out, and your partner drunk dances on a table to Willie Nelson. Admirable? A good story? Funny? Maybe. But on a first date, this is red-flag behavior. The same goes for out-of-your-mind profile photos.
Take this photo, which is an obvious no for a dating profile. What does it communicate about the person?
Nothing, nada. Here’s another photo of someone drinking:
Can you spot the difference? Her style is easier to see; it’s elevated, creating a scene where a match can imagine themselves in the moment with her.
Here are three more profile pictures that gave us nothing:
Swap the selfie for a regular photo.
Selfies are often taken at unflattering angles and can sometimes give the wrong impression, especially for men.
Women want to see that you’re a social, approachable person—someone who exists in the real world, not just alone behind a phone. Having a photo that someone else took shows that you have a life, connections, and a basic level of trustworthiness.
It’s a small but important signal that can make a big difference.
(For women, this is slightly less critical, since selfies don’t usually come across as isolated or unsettling the way they sometimes do for men.)
The landscape is impressive, but we’re not dating the scenery. This photo seems to give context; you like hiking and are outdoorsy, but it’s not connectable.
Plus, you can’t see your face or body well, so it’s a no.
Mirror pics are never really bestsellers. They work for social media stories, but not dating app profiles.
There’s nothing to talk about, and it’s not close enough to see your features either.
And three photos that feel authentic without making us work to know who you are and what you look like:
Yes, you can’t see her whole face, but as a complement to her other dating photos, this works. She’s active, outdoors, able to multitask, and likes riding horses.
Boom– there are a few conversation-starters right there!
This one is giving a deeper layer of the onion in the best way possible. It’s playful, she’s dressed to impress, and her personality shines through.
Okay, hear us out.. There’s something here.
The facial expression could be better, but this location, this vibe, this atmosphere… *chef’s kiss*
If the opportunity presents itself again, turn on Live Photos and ask your friend to take more than 1 photo. And, maybe swap the beer for marshmallows, and you’ll get messages rolling in faster than you can say “s’more”.
If your bio could be anyone’s, it’s not yours.
Here’s the deal: Overused bios don’t say anything, and oversharing bios say too much. The worst thing you can do is give people homework, like Ryan here:
Look…nobody knows you yet. And they don’t know if they want to know you until you show or tell them something that interests them. Assigning singles the task of interrogating you won’t work unless you’re Channing Tatum or Jessica Alba-level hot. And still, don’t do it.
Instead, be specific. Weirdly specific. Talk about:
- The podcast you binge religiously
- The snack you have to sneak into movies
- Your Uno house rules that start fights
- The cooking class that changed your life, and now you can’t stop making Gordon Ramsay-level lasagna
These bios stopped us in our tracks:
- I once got a sunburn from a lava lamp. Long story, I’ll tell you if we match.
- Currently ranking every oat milk latte in the city. Ask for the spreadsheet.
- Fluent in dad jokes, bad karaoke, and calling my dog “sir.”
- Not into games unless it’s trivia night. Then I play to win.
- My dream weekend: farmers market, bike ride, vintage bookshop, and wine.
- You can usually find me at a plant store, convincing myself I have room for just one more.
These are the kind of “real” that works. It shows self-awareness, confidence, and room for banter, giving matches a reason to message you.
Also, don’t trauma dump in your bio.
Yeah, honesty’s great, but “I cry in my car, and life is a mess” isn’t deep; it’s too much and too soon.
There’s a name for that: floodlighting. It’s when you drop super personal stuff early on to fast-track intimacy. Spoiler: It usually backfires and pushes people away.
It makes people feel like they’re being tested. If they don’t react as you hoped, you get to say, “Guess they didn’t like the real me,” without being vulnerable, and that’s the better side of the coin. On the opposite side, you’re giving total strangers deeply emotional ammunition that hits directly at your weaknesses and pain points, which can be psychologically dangerous.
And just because you’re ready to trauma-tell-all, it doesn’t mean your date is open to reciprocating, which can also feel bad.
According to the social penetration theory, relationships grow through sharing layers, like peeling an onion. (We know, we’re all about onions today.) You start with surface-level stuff, and as trust builds, you gradually open up about deeper thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Authentic intimacy takes time, and it’s meant to unfold step by step.
Boundaries are hot. Give people something to connect with, not something to fix.
Do a 1-minute profile audit.
Before you post that photo or hit “save” on your bio, run through this quick gut check:
- Would I say this out loud to someone I just met?
- Is this something I’m proud or excited to share?
- Does this help me stand out in a good way?
- Am I leading with personality or pain?
- How drunk do I actually look in this photo?
- Do I look romantically involved with anyone in this picture?
If any answer makes you pause (or cringe), it’s probably not the right choice for your profile.
Final thoughts: Let’s make authentic look good.
We’re not here to dull your shine but to help it translate online.
Because here’s the truth:
You can be genuine and still put in effort.
You can be funny without being chaotic.
You can be vulnerable without oversharing.
Your dating profile isn’t a confession booth– it’s a highlight reel. A teaser trailer. A curated peek that makes someone say, “Wait, I want more of this.”
So:
- Lead with your best light (literally and emotionally)
- Share something specific and unique about you
- Save some of the deeper layers for later, in person
Want to know if your photos are actually working?
The best way to discover how strangers perceive your profile is to ask them.
Photofeeler makes it easy. Upload your photos, get rated for Smart, Trustworthy, and Attractiveness traits, and see which photos help you stand out (and which ones secretly hold you back).
