Ghosting can be the most hurtful thing to do to someone.

It’s because there’s no closure. We all desire some sort of ending; it’s in movies, books, and songs—why not our personal lives as well?

With ghosting, there are no real answers or ending. It’s more of a semicolon, a comma, a…

If you’ve been ghosted, you’re not alone: Fortune reports that over 80% of millennials have been ghosted at least once.

It’s not you; it’s them.

What is ghosting?

Ghosting is when an individual randomly disappears on someone without notice. No texting, no social media communication, no email.

A quick example: Jenny has gone on six dates with Eric, and everything seems to be going well.

But when Eric reaches out to set up another date, Jenny doesn’t respond. The next day comes with no response. He sends another text, nothing.

Days pass, nothing.

Eric has just been ghosted.

Why does ghosting hurt so much?

Ever heard the “nail in the board” analog?

You take a wooden board, hammer multiple nails into it, and then pull them out. Is the board the same as when you started? Of course not. It has holes, many of them, which you nailed into it.

Ghosting, improper communication, or any form of emotional distress is the same.

You can’t just nail someone, pull out, and expect everything to be perfect…

Okay, bad analogy… but really though.

The psychological reason behind ghosting pains

Ghosting hurts because you’re in emotional/dating purgatory. You’re walking the fine line between “I should move on” and “Do I give them the benefit of the doubt?”

Humans naturally assume that we did something to deserve the silence, the uncertainty.

It plays on your self-esteem and the potential you saw in this budding relationship/friendship. Whenever you’re left with “what-ifs,” your heart plays an emotional roulette with your brain.

People who ghost are protecting their feelings, not yours.

Types of Ghosting

There are different levels of ghosting. Some people go full-block mode; others simply leave you on read. And, yes, there is a reason why ghosting is occasionally necessary.

1. The Normal Ghost

Signs: Not texting back, not interacting with you on social media, no real interaction at all.

People hope that by not responding, the other person will “take the hint.” Instead of explaining that they’re no longer interested, normal ghosts just disappear into thin air.

They’ll stop replying to your texts or send one-word answers that are impossible to respond to, like…

You: “How’s your day?”

Ghost: “Yes.”

They may keep following you on social media. Don’t read into this—it’s just less confrontational for them.

2. The Block-Delete Ghost

Signs: You’re suddenly deleted from all socials, and your texts are sending green.

This ghost has opposable thumbs, which is kinda cool because they’ll be able to deliver a hard “no” by blocking or deleting you on everything from Instagram to Tinder to email.

This is better than the first ghost because they shut the door completely.

Is it ever okay to ghost?

There are definitely circumstances in which ghosting may be the best option. It helps distance you in a way that protects your inner peace, allowing you to fill your life with more positive relationships.

If you’ve put up with a toxic person and gotten no resolution, the block button is your friend.

If you ever feel unsafe telling someone you’re not interested, you’re cleared to ghost.

When people can’t take no for an answer or insist you give them a second chance in a seemingly rough or aggressive way, hasta la vista.

*Cue “Hit the Road Jack” song*

Why do people ghost?

1. They’re not that interested.

To put it bluntly, they’re just not that into you.

Communication is a better way to let someone know they’re not on the same vibe, but it’s not guaranteed.

If you’re not someone’s cup of tea, let them go. This isn’t the Boston Tea Party, and there are more flavors to fit your fancy—we promise!

2. It’s easier to ignore people over text.

Rejecting someone online or over text is way easier than in person or through a phone conversation.

Ghosting is the emotional equivalent of pressing a button to fire a missile rather than fighting at close range. There’s an extra comfort in distance from the situation/person.

3. They want the attention but not the commitment.

Daters who deal with everyday mental conditions or antisocial behaviors may be apprehensive of online dating.

In other cases, singles may be recovering from a prior relationship trauma and not be ready to pursue a new relationship—but this should be communicated prior.

How to respond to being ghosted?

As frustrating as this silent treatment can be, ask yourself, do you really want this communication style in a potential partner?

Chances are no!

If you’ve been ghosted recently, here are our tips:

1. Take some me time.

The best way to navigate being ghosted is to get really busy.

Try a new hobby. Hang with your friends. Hit the gym. Go for a hike.

Fill up your schedule with things that fill your cup. You want to be so entranced by whatever you’re doing that you don’t have time in your schedule for a ghost.

2. Let the sleeping ghost lie.

Leaving the situation be, rather than sending a fiery response, shows that you’re not going to beg for anyone to stick around.

Yay for self-respect!

3. Write a final text, but don’t send it.

Blow off some steam in a saucy final text message, but don’t press send.

Express your feelings and why you feel slighted. You’ll find your core reason for feeling upset in your final text and, in a way, give yourself closure.

You can’t look for closure from the same person who hurt you, so sending the message does more harm than good. The crickets will just get louder. 

4. Mute them immediately.

Instead of blocking them, which might still be a good idea depending on the situation, you can mute them on texts, Instagram, and Facebook.

This is helpful because when your phone rings, you’re not running to it, looking to see if they texted you.

No way!

You’re doing your own thing. If they text back eventually, cool, but you’re busy living. That ring means someone that actually cares for you (or a telemarketer) is calling.

How do I tell someone I’m not interested without ghosting them?

If you’re thinking about ghosting to break the news softly to your partner/fling, avoid it at all costs.

Handle this conversation directly but with grace.

The shorter the message, the better. Nobody wants to read an essay on why you’re not into them. Here’s our best tried-and-tested response:

“I had a really great time with you, but I just don’t feel we’re a match.”

No questions asked.

In one swift motion, you validate that they’re an awesome person and communicate that you won’t be pursuing them any further.

What to do when a ghost returns from the dead?

Sometimes our ghosts come back from the graveyard. It’s a modern-day haunting.

When this happens, stay calm and think about your next move.

Keep in mind, dating is inherently an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s totally reasonable to be upset by ghosting.

The best way to move forward is to understand the ups and downs, the tiny heartbreaks along the way, and the what-ifs. Parts of life are out of our control, and we can’t dictate how a person feels about us or how they communicate. (Would be cool, though, huh?)

Focusing your energy on the next thing, the next date, and the next coffee convo is the most positive way to propel yourself forward. Oh, and a crowd-approved dating app profile picture that you tested on Photofeeler!

We’re no Ghostbusters, but we have you covered on looking your best online, guaranteed.